This is just one of those principles that need to be brought out from time to time

I don’t have a particular reason for doing so today, except for the fact that today seemed like a good day to do it.

When you’re selling — in person, at a distance, or through media — remember that neediness is NOT attractive.

The more you come across as needing an outcome to happen, the less likely it is that the person on the other side of the decision will help you get it.

Neediness and selling services

There’s a really unfortunate situation that happens when starting a service business, such as copywriting.

You need clients.

Like, you don’t have a business until you have clients.

But you aren’t really used to selling the service.  And you don’t have any built-up momentum.

Which means you’re basically ready to take for a client anyone who will write you a check.  And, you’re ready to take them on now.

Not only that, you’ve probably spent pretty much your entire life being told that an “in service” attitude will get you places.

And so you vigorously offer to bend to their every whim, if they become your client.

But as soon as you do that, any warmness they had in their interaction with you cools.  Suddenly they seem less interested.

And if they don’t negotiate down your fee, they simply play hard-to-get or flat-out ghost you, disappearing forever.

The same thing happens every single day in retail stores

You walk into the store.

A clerk comes up to you, with a little-bit-too-friendly smile.  They’re practically blocking your path into the store.

“Hi, welcome to our store.  Can I help you find anything today?  Anything I can do for you?  Did you know we’re running a sale right now? …”

At this point you tune them out, instead just waiting for a moment of silence to slip in an, “I’m good, thanks…”  Your polite way of saying, “Leave me the heck alone and let me shop!”

A second ago, you were actually happy to be walking into the store.

But by the time they’re done talking, you want to leave, just so you don’t get stalked and accosted again.

This happens in social situations, too

You’re at a conference with a group of professional friends, hanging out after-hours.  And there’s that one person — always one — who isn’t really part of the group but they found their way into it anyways.  And they’re just a little too eager to stick their nose in at all the worst moments, trying desperately to feel like they’re actually included.

Or in dating, when one partner or the other (often the guy, but not always) has put their date on a pedestal, and is just fawning all over them without reciprocation.  He stakes his entire happiness on her liking or not liking him.  And it makes him significantly less attractive to her.

Here’s why being needy makes you unattractive…

We are a social species.

We rely on others’ opinions to help us form our own.

That doesn’t mean we can’t form our own opinion.  But until we have enough information, we have to rely on whatever evidence we have.  And that often includes others’ opinions.

That’s what social proof is all about.

But how does one person’s needy behavior relate to social proof?

Easy.  If someone is acting needy in a situation, we understand on a subconscious level that that person is not being sought out by others for the thing they’re asking us to seek them out for.

So if someone comes to me and wants me to hire them as a copywriter and they say they can start right away and they will work for anything I’m willing to pay and they’ll put all their hours into it…

Well, that tells me that they’re not working with anyone else right now, and it’s been long enough since they’ve worked with anyone (if they’ve ever) that they’re pretty desperate.

This may not be a fair judgment and interpretation.

They could just be new, unproven, but immensely talented.

But that’s not how our brains work.

Our brains make these snap judgments because making similar judgments based on similar behavior has been an effective strategy for our ancestors for countless generations.

When you act needy, you cause subconscious repulsion

The next time you’re out networking, if you act like you need the work now, you’re shooting yourself in the foot.

If you act like you need the sale, you probably won’t get it.

Because you’re triggering subconscious decision-making rules (called heuristics) that are only communicated to the conscious mind through negative feelings like repulsion and pity.

And it’s seldom that people buy based on repulsion and pity — and even if they did, they wouldn’t do so expecting to treat you like an expert provider of your product or service.

Here’s what to do instead…

First, don’t be needy.

Even if you are, don’t be.

You have to do everything in your power — when trying to persuade — to banish the feeling of needing a certain result from a situation.

If the other party to the persuasion sees that you need it, you won’t get it.

Even better, be ready to walk away.

Great persuasion often includes both pushing and pulling.

You pull them toward you.  You telegraph that it’s your intent to get the outcome.  But that quickly turns, as you also make it clear you have other options, and thus no attachment to getting the outcome with them.

For example, you have an active project now, can’t start work with them for a couple weeks anyway, and may have to postpone it further if they don’t secure the time on your calendar before another client you’re speaking with.

In retail the better option than, “How can I help you?,” is “Have you been here before?”  It presumes many customers return.  It also feels less clingy and needy.  And allows you to speak to them based on their past experience or lack thereof.

And so on…

This is also why you should quickly try to build up financial reserves such that if anything goes wrong on a project or job, you’re able to walk away and not worry about it.

In part, because that can happen, and if you don’t have the reserves you’re trapped.

But also, because simply having options changes how you behave, and how others respond to you as a result.

The person who is not needy is attractive, and is someone who others will often work to please.

And moving into that role can be a huge life, business, and career breakthrough.

Yours for bigger breakthroughs,

Roy Furr